Thursday, November 4, 2010

November

What's your diabetes month?


For me it's February. I still remember it all: the harsh-smelling soap in the hospital shower, the prick of the IV, the first shots and fingersticks. I remember watching TV with my parents, wishing I could go home to see my brother and my cat and sleep in my own bed. And wondering why everyone was so upset about me having diabetes. The fluids and insulin made me feel so much better. I was grateful to finally have relief from the siren of sleep and thirst that had literally consumed me in weeks before. Every February I am there again, feeling the rough sheets of the hospital bed, the smell of insulin fresh in my mind and my 12-year-old self close to the surface.


But it's November now and so the 'official' observance of National Diabetes Month is underway once more. For me it is a sad month on the calendar. The earth gives up the breath of life a little and goes into a deep sleep. Encroaching cold and darkness make me want to stay indoors, to cuddle up with my husband and cat or be alone for a while, pondering. It is somber in remembrance of veterans past and my late mother's birthday. The holidays seem a glittery blur far off in the distance. I am observant, chastened, repentant.


And diabetes is still there, waiting for me at every moment with tireless, destructive energy, every year. An endless string of Februarys stretches out before me. Of countless days of testing and dosing and guessing. Of wondering what I did wrong. Of kicking myself for 'bad' numbers. Of giving up, not caring, and then finding a way to get back in the groove. Of praying, and begging the higher powers for just one more chance to keep trying. Of getting up in the morning and doing it all over again, one more time. Of wondering when my time will be up. Of waiting.


Someday, maybe November won't be so bad for me. Maybe February will pass without a memory. And maybe, just maybe, diabetes won't get its own star anymore.

3 comments:

Wendy said...

Great post. I appreciate the genuine emotion....this is quite a journey. We're only 5 years in, and sometimes I wonder how on earth we'll do this for the rest of her life....I say "we" because, right now, I can't fathom the idea that she may EVER be doing this on her own.

Such a long, long, long road ahead...

Reyna said...

Beautifully written.

Joe's month is September. He doesn't remember it at all and, in a way, I am thankful for that. AND...in a way... the fact that he was too young to remember life without "d" makes me sad. He was diagnosed 4 years ago when he was 3. It has been a long road.

I appreciate your candor with this piece. Thank you for sharing.

amylia said...

Thanks for sharing from a place of authenticity and honesty. I know how you feel with much of what you said. Even as I frantically prepare for the WDD fundraiser I put on this Friday I wonder if it's hurting me more than helping--so busy it's hard to take good care and November, well, it's like Easter (dx'd '89 Easter) and just makes me feel sorta sad.....

Disease and illness like time seems so arbitrary--this setting back of clocks and complications...